February 2012
3 posts
7 tags
Whenever I think about him in bed at night, trying to sort out the memories I’ve forced away, I feel my thoughts start speeding up to the rate I needed to connect things before. It’s a thousand times faster than now, and most of the time I end up slamming those thoughts into oblivion, telling them to shut the hell up because they start driving me off the edge the second I feel them grating on my...
8 tags
That you should have been the one to have shown me this. To have introduced me to this book, to have talked so endlessly and highly of it. More like, painfully ironic.
The slow, cruel burst of wrenching, agonizing anger that I felt raise towards you is the strongest emotion I have felt in a long time.
Funny how you have always been the one to make me feel most alive.
Yet so deeply scarred am...
5 tags
Giving your life to someone, with open arms. Waiting, in those slight moments between moments, for their acknowledgment of your existence, and being set free from the stillness and vibrancy of loneliness. Knowing that you are bound by chains but all the same, set free, with newfound wings, into a world where you always have somewhere to land. But only because that person makes you feel like you...
January 2012
9 posts
10 tags
It’s only these moments where I can actually sense the feeling of love I had for you again. These dream-moments that splash into my life ever so often and fill my heart and head with nonsense. But these are the times that it really hurts. When I remember what it felt like to have that draw, that intensity and that dependence on another person. I despise that feeling when it involves you,...
11 tags
oh shut up, shut up, shut up. I still love who you used to be, but you’re gone now. out of reach, completely, and there’s nothing I can do. I certainly can’t test and see if you’re still there, because you don’t want me, and I’m trying not to want you and if you did come back to me, I would just fall in love with you again. Would you please just turn into...
4 tags
Drums
To a sacrificial ceremony
More and more shreds of my heart.
They fall in ashes
And catch on your breath.
5 tags
It’s killing me.
Wearing me down,
Filling me like a poison.
Like a never ending torture
Like a never ending task
Like reaching out
And missing by 10 feet
And every time
You hit the ground,
Your heart slams against your chest
And breaks a little more.
4 tags
Someone I should have forgotten
Once taught me a lesson.
And I wondered
Why she of all people
Would be worried about how the hands
Of the clocks move forward.
5 tags
In her sleep,
She fights
She lashes out
And catches my cheek
But I’m unaware
Of the time she’s reliving
And her voice,
So cold, so angry,
Striking me to the core
Even before I knew fear.
11 tags
One constant in my life. Just one. That’s all I’m asking for. Just one. When the love of your life leaves you, and your love is still intact, it takes awhile to break that love down. Dissolve the pieces. Find the you under all that him or her. It’s hard not to get mad when you’re shoveling all the shit off your heart, working so hard to reach where your heart used to be,...
9 tags
it’s amazing, the way your mind perceives someone months after they’ve left you. You’ve been forced to fool your mind into thinking they’ve turned into someone completely different than the one you knew, and so you create a new aura. For your own sake. One that somehow conceals the bliss you once traced in each line of their face, and rewrites them into something...
6 tags
I see.
I see that you need these words, these thoughts,
to keep yourself moving.
To keep yourself lifted, off the sand.
Not quite surfaced, not quite sunk.
But you’re floating.
You see yourself as an endless sea,
Filled with color and wonder.
Unreachable depths made of the blackest black
The absence of light.
You believe you are in each drifting weed
Each flashing fish,
Like...
December 2011
3 posts
9 tags
Don’t tell me you know what love is until you’ve discovered the way that you are waiting each moment you’re away to be with them once more. Don’t tell me you know love until you can show me your heart, inside in out, drenched in their spirit and the things that make you theirs and them yours. But not because you desire their bodies or their comfort; anyone can give you that. Show...
3 tags
I hope you hurt
Every bit as much as I do.
I hope you cried
As much as I did.
I hope you scar
Just as deeply as I do.
Because thanks to you,
Love means nothing.
And now, I will lose these years of you.
It’s too painful to remember,
So I will forget.
Again.
7 tags
Walking on the beach, hands twined together, dragging a stick along behind us making a trail in the sand and chasing the seagulls without a care in the world. Just each other, and the things we have to talk about, the blue sky and him stopping with me to pick up shells. His kisses, randomly when the beach crowd thins, and just… the feeling of burden-less togetherness. Natural company. Him shying...
November 2011
10 posts
7 tags
Never again
Will I love without limits.
Never again
Will I trust.
Never again
Will I let myself fall
As far as I did
For you.
I hope you’re happy now.
You changed.
I didn’t.
If you can toss me away as soon as I don’t suit you
I suppose that’s what you thought love was.
I hope you hurt
Every bit as much as I do.
I hope you cried
As much as I did.
I hope...
5 tags
The reason why I want my questions answered is because I know I will never be able to cut myself off from uncertainty. I understand that you won’t give me another chance, but I do not understand why all of this happened like it did. I want to be able to pose my questions, and get my answers, and hopefully move on to someone better for me than you. Someone I don’t feel like I need to change,...
1 tag
sorry all...
the quality of my posts is about to drop tenfold. Most of it will be mind-dumping… getting all my thoughts out in a rush. nothing beautiful to read, I assure you.
9 tags
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
8:32 PM
God.
Damnit.
I can’t handle this.
I’m realizing it, over and over and over again. Every time I take a moment from trying to escape from reality I have to realize it again and again and again.
Why did this happen? I don’t understand. At all. What could possibly drive him to hurt me like this, after everything we’ve been through, after everything he’s...
6 tags
It’s surprising, but… even facing what is the closest I’ve ever been to the end, I’m… okay. I really am. I may have broken down a few times today, but when I’m not on my own… I don’t think about him. When I’m with my loved ones, I can be okay. For the first time in a really long time… I’ve thought about just how much they stand behind me.
6 tags
Another thing that has changed… I feel absolutely no draw to be close to him. I have no desire to be held by him or hold him. I have no automatic process that occasionally offers a comforting/familiar touch. I have no inclination to kiss him on the shoulder. I have only this huge distance that I threw between me and him, physically, emotionally and mentally. I feel like my subconscious brain has...
7 tags
I spent a lot of time thinking about what had changed between us over the last 2 days. I realized… that unlike before, I was completely drawn inside my mind. While I was thinking, I barely realized he was there, unlike before, where…. I was constantly aware of his presence. It just… felt different, before. Even when I was deep in thought, I was still keeping tabs on his proximity to me and just...
4 tags
Ah, this anger.
I can feel it crackling and popping
In the center of my chest
Like red hot embers
Flying against the insides
Beneath these annoying curves
And on the inside of this cage.
14 tags
Something always happens. Ever notice how you’re always unable to talk in-depth, coherently with me? You’re always tired or stressed or injured or something. And yet you still want me to talk. Want me to feed you topics, never touching on things I want to know, things I have questions about. You never ask me questions, either. I analyze you constantly, but you never make a real effort...
9 tags
things I like about him.
This is a random collection of 200 things I like about the one I love. I’m trying to focus on the good things, because things aren’t so good lately. Some are more personal, some are more relatable. I think I’ll post ten at a time, randomly.
You help me clear my head, just by being next to me.
You hold me when I need you most.
You will throw random things ...
3 tags
Like a dove, she coos and purrs.
A sweet, young thing
Untouched by our disease.
Her smile is a candle
With a burning, true flame.
Turn to us.
A smile replaced by a forced,
Cold flash of teeth.
Manipulating the world
Like a burning mountain molds the land
Destroys all in its wake
Yet still creating something new.
This child grows from the dead land
The stone contains minerals…
The...
October 2011
7 posts
5 tags
Watching her suffer has always broken my heart. But the last year or so have been torture for both me and her. Watching her change and grow in all sorts of ways has been one of the most difficult things for me, but I know she didn’t really have a choice.
A few days after my birthday in January, the most important part of her life faded in the morning light. She cried her fair share; this...
2 tags
You.
Listen.
Look me in the eyes
And tell me I’m lying
When I say I’m trying.
My promise to you
Is braided into my veins
And wrapped around my wrist
And around my ankle
And around my mind
A hundred tiny envelopes
Full of images of us
And that time I lost
And your sweet smile
That’s keeping me sane.
4 tags
Blue sheets delicately lace around her caramel skin. Her fiery eyes flicker in the sheer darkness of an upstairs room. She stares, high above at the glowing butterflies and their pierced wings, wondering when she will hear that voice again. And she has so many questions, but she’s waiting, and waiting, and waiting… She has time, until there’s no time. Then she is doomed to this...
4 tags
I never knew how much you meant to me until now. And now, I’m truly alone. Here in my room. And I’m scared. I’m scared as hell, because you’re six miles away and I know there’s nothing in this room but there are so many things in my head, and they crawl out into the darkness, with disfigured faces and the faces of my nightmares and I can’t take my face off this...
3 tags
this is one of my happier ones. It’s a little intimate, but not in an over-the top sexy kind of way. god so help me if my parents find it, though. It’s yet to be finished, and there’s editing to do. anyways. :)
She ran her fingers lovingly along his curving spine. He dressed slowly so she could feel his skin as the sun cast down on his pale, white back and scorched it a little...
1 tag
another writing blog.
just another place to share what I write. I only write when inspired, so don’t expect too much. :) though i do often post random stanzas from some of my poems. Please enjoy.