lux aeterna

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

8:32 PM

God.

Damnit.

I can’t handle this.

I’m realizing it, over and over and over again. Every time I take a moment from trying to escape from reality I have to realize it again and again and again.

Why did this happen? I don’t understand. At all. What could possibly drive him to hurt me like this, after everything we’ve been through, after everything he’s ever said to me or done to me…. The way he held me that day when I was crying in his arms.

That was real. That… was real.

Why does this all feel so fake?

Like life isn’t actually happening, except it is? I can’t.. This can’t be happening, I can’t even…. Deal with these thoughts, they make my head feel like it’s exploding from the inside and my heart, it just… it’s dying. It’s literally dying. And all I can do is sit here and wither away, waiting for something to sweep me up and for my existence to end.

It almost did, since 90% of my existence depended on him and still does and I’m avoiding it, but I’m searching for him and begging for him back in ways that my head won’t realize is desperation and god damned killing myself with how much I want him back.

Why the HELL did I ever Love him this much? When the hell did this ever happen? I can’t believe I could depend on one person so much for my happiness, and even though I denied it all this time and thought I would be okay without him, that’s not.. Possible. It can’t happen. Me without him is me turning into dust, fading away and crying and nothingness… nothingness but pain, and it would almost be easier to die, but I’m clinging…

What the hell am I clinging to? The hope that we might not quite be over, probably. It doesn’t feel over yet, but maybe I’m just in denial.

Why. Why does this hurt so much.

There’s nothing I can do about it, but I feel like ripping things apart and tearing my heart out. It feels like I’ve cried for hours. Because… I have. While Kalee and Nupur slept, and then while Kalee gently ran her fingers over my back and I showed her more pain then I ever showed you.

GOD DAMNIT I MISS YOU MORE THAN I THOUGHT POSSIBLE AAHHHHHHHHHH

IT FEELS LIKE I’M BREAKING….

I WANT TO YELL,

But there’s no way to yell emotions and no one can hear me but my family and all I want is for you to hear me…

For you to come hold me again, tell me it’s okay, tell it was all a dream and that you’re never leaving just like you did before…

You promised me, you promised….

I never trusted anyone, but I trusted you the most, and you broke me.

You said you wouldn’t. you said… you wouldn’t do this to me…

But now you’re leaving, and I don’t even know what’s wrong…

Why can’t you stay with me?

Why can’t you stay?

We Loved each other, we did… I know it was real, because my memories are real and all the signs you left in my life are real and the hours of conversations are all real….

How can you do this? How could you ever have gathered the strength to leave me, even for your own good? I could never have done it. Not in a million years, crushed you like you did me, left me like you did. Not even sunk into the depths of my own hell could I hurt you like this.

I must have Loved you more all along.

All along, I thought you had outdone me. That I would be the one to screw up this relationship with my wandering fancies and my stupidity and stubbornness and narrow-mindedness sometimes that probably drove you insane.

I just want you back.

Please, please don’t do this to me.

You know I don’t beg. I don’t beg, I have too much pride.

All of that pride is gone.

Do you see how much you crushed me, my soul?

I have nothing left.

Nothing.

I gave it all to you.

Really.

Yet you’re killing me.

You are… I can feel this version of me dying a fast yet agonizingly slow and painful death. I’m in shock, still. I’m in denial, I’m in shock, I haven’t even got to the healing stage yet.

It’s so painful. I’m on my knees.

No, I’m on the floor. Sobbing. Just like I was last night, reduced to nothing but a sobbing heap with no real grip on the world but you,

But now you’re…. Leaving me…