lux aeterna

Whenever I think about him in bed at night, trying to sort out the memories I’ve forced away, I feel my thoughts start speeding up to the rate I needed to connect things before. It’s a thousand times faster than now, and most of the time I end up slamming those thoughts into oblivion, telling them to shut the hell up because they start driving me off the edge the second I feel them grating on my heart. I can’t… explain them. *sigh* it feels kind of like… all of a sudden, you let loose about a million terrified, adrenaline pumped, but determined flying creatures out in a very small space, and they start bouncing against the edges, like they’re whirring around on the inside, careening into walls and throwing you into panic, as bits of images surface and you are stuck inside a place in the past. Not only are they wild and frenzied, but their wings have sharp tips that slice and prod.

That you should have been the one to have shown me this. To have introduced me to this book, to have talked so endlessly and highly of it. More like, painfully ironic.

The slow, cruel burst of wrenching, agonizing anger that I felt raise towards you is the strongest emotion I have felt in a long time.

Funny how you have always been the one to make me feel most alive.

Yet so deeply scarred am I that I cannot even reckon with the source of that anger, which rose from the depths of my heart (which has been unresponsive for quite some time) and would not relent. I am left shaking with jars of aftershock and a brittle ache that seems to enjoy its stay, as if my heart were some warm hearth instead of a cold, chipped lake. 

And so you call to me. My love of past, ringing out and once more alive, if only inside my head. The old flame rekindles from a dwindling smoke, and I remember your love through the words of this book and the captive you, unchanging in the cage that is my mind and whispering tenderly as I suffer softly. I keep you, like a blue-eyed canary stuffed safely inside the bars of a lion’s cage. I can suffocate you all I wish, but I can never break you. Too delicate to snap. Too frail to abandon.

But the second door has a mind of its own.  Your memories cannot be healed. What healing is there for a love so strong, it could shatter knives, kill sentience, forge bridges of diamond? What words are there for the brutality of time, the betrayal of your mind?

What can I say. After all this time, crushing your name and incinerating your lies, you still have me. My hidden heart, numb yet somehow still weeping, pitifully and hopelessly. What anger rose like waves. What red rage I saw. All in your name. Please. let me go.

oh shut up, shut up, shut up. I still love who you used to be, but you’re gone now. out of reach, completely, and there’s nothing I can do. I certainly can’t test and see if you’re still there, because you don’t want me, and I’m trying not to want you and if you did come back to me, I would just fall in love with you again. Would you please just turn into someone unrecognizable, so I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore? So I could let you die inside of my head, inside of my heart? It would be so much easier to quell my heart if you could die inside of me, leaving no path of return and no trace in the present. But you linger in my world, your traces haunting me and my eyes always watching, always paranoid. Will my you just die already, so I can move on?

It’s killing me.

Wearing me down,

Filling me like a poison.

Like a never ending torture

Like a never ending task

Like reaching out

And missing by 10 feet

And every time

You hit the ground,

Your heart slams against your chest

And breaks a little more.