lux aeterna

Burn

Burn all your bridges

Because the streets are covered in rose petals and cigarettes

And you, my friend

Will never reach the end.

Tie me to the end of the world,

Hang me from the edge of your pearl.

Forget me when our time is up

I don’t want to heal this cut. 

I know you’ll move on, free spirit rising

While I’m in the dark, mind’s rewinding

The souls of the past, moving inwards

Towards the sound of cracking cinders

Burning up the days of old

Churning up the dust and mold.

I sit in solemn solitude

My head is silent, heart is nude

You flutter past,

My wound is vast

I make no sound

Feet on the ground

Above my head

Cheeks flushing red

Your blushing laughter fills my room

The absence of your fingers loom

Between my timid fingertips

My trembling resolve gently rips

Make haste,

Or I will surely waste

This moment on a passing fair 

I should have told you that I cared. 

It’s beginning to look like I’m going to have to change, again. I can’t stay sane in this atmosphere like this… I’m starting to feel more lonely than before, because my unhappiness feels like it’s driving others away beyond the safety point. My only lifelines are my two lovely violets, and I always feel like she’s slipping away each time I make an annoyed comment… It’s so hard to see the beauty here anymore, though. So hard to see through the stupid arguments and perverted conversations… conversations with no meaning, no relevance, no interest. No depth. The endless physical mini-quarrels and stupid teasing interactions. Especially her (caerue’s) tendency to automatically resort to violence. It’s a beautiful thing to be alone, these days. Away from the annoying social shallowness and stupid, stupid drama of angsty rich kids, who will never have a problem in their lives unless something goes drastically wrong. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with the way I am, but then… I’ve spent so long wondering if I should be feeling the way I feel. There comes a time when you just figure, “eh, what the hell,” and realize that yes, what you’re feeling over and over again is probably justified; no, you don’t need to change the natural way you are, and no, you don’t have to bring yourself down and change for others, all the time. No, you don’t have to fit in and submit to the things that drive you up the walls. Yes, you are just fine being the way you are; you’re not too self-centered, or too arrogant, or too aloof, or too negative. I just finally figured out who I am; why should I just change once again in order to meet other’s expectations? Why should I always be changing, always be confused about what I should want? Fighting my natural instincts of what I feel works for me? Is it my fault no one here is what I need? Is it my fault I still love this place, but hate this atmosphere? I am the way I am, and just like everyone’s always saying; change only for yourself, not others… So. Shall I stay true to myself, and suffer? Or should I fight myself, but live smoother?

When I’m not exposed to bad situations, , most of the time I’m actually happy. That’s something not a lot of people get to see, though, because in response to all the negative stuff, I kind of adapted to feeling the most safe and happy just being with myself. It’s… kind of sad that that had to happen, but…  I didn’t feel like anyone I knew would make me feel better, talking to them. I accepted being alone, and in doing that, I found beauty in being alone.

I didn’t actually deal with any part of losing him. I simply numbed myself, killed the girl who loved him, and locked it all away. After a week or so, I was fine. I was pretty functional. I didn’t suffer the wrenching, ripping, heart mutilating pain for more than 3 days. I honestly would not have been able to live that way, so my only solution was to do what I did, and it worked out fine, and I never really needed anyone’s support, minus those first three nights.

the only words that can make me cry;

I love you. Please don’t leave me here alone.